Dating a female bartender

If we have the time, you know we are gonna hook that sweet ass up, but don’t push it.

The “morning” is a fictitious time, like something from an old story book. Watch and enjoy, knowing you’re getting the nookie and they’re getting the bill. If something is on special, or the bar is 3 deep at the well, don’t ask for something high maintenance. Even if we’re not looking at you, we hear and will have advice for you. When we text you we are closing, it means we are kicking out the wasted frat boys. There are all sorts of disgusting things that have to be cleaned before we even think about leaving.

It’s no wonder bartenders are so frequently sought after. With that in mind, here are a few small things you need to know about entering BAE status with your favorite bar keep. If you’re climbing all over us like a sloth, it’s going to affect our bottom line. What’s also important to understand, however, is that we will judge everything about whatever bar we wind up at. Case in point, we work half the hours you work and make twice the money. Pardon us if we maintain a perpetual sense of skepticism. The only thing we do better than listen is do anything else while listening. We have, however, through years of training developed a specific set of skills. And we know that one shitty cocktail waitress is inevitably going to mess up her count even though she rushed to be first to count out. The perfect accessory to all those internet dating apps you have…

We make the majority of our money by getting people drunk and pretending we want to get in their pants. At the same time, don’t you dare take me to some dive that reeks of piss. If you’re wooing one of us, don’t attempt to plan a date on Friday or Saturday. As previously mentioned, we don’t want to drink our nights away the same place we do when working. We aren’t idiots and many of us are quite intelligent. We wear black because it’s less likely to show all the repugnant crap that gets spilled, spit, coughed and splashed on us in a night. Two hours and a few drinks later, they’ve switched to tequila shots and they’re a total shit show heaving tears and asking for explanations.

So my list of the chick bartender traits is by no means definitive.

WARNING: Somewhat NSFW if monitor easily seen by peers.

When you do they will look like they are a) hungover and b) exhausted.

This is because they are a) hungover and b) exhausted.

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We might choose to hook up your entourage too, but they better tip like Ed Mc Mahon just visited them. Like mornings, these are something we hear about and maybe read about, but we don’t experience them. Some of us actually choose to do this for a living. Someone comes in bright and shiny, orders some flamboyant martini and starts telling us how great things are.

Of course you’re drinking for free, as long as you’re a Saint and resist the urge to defend our honor. For the love of god, if your friend Tina orders one more Mojito with extra mint I’m gonna bury the muddler in her face.

2: Whenever you visit a bar together, no matter how stunning you look, their first glance will always be at the spirit selection.

If the bar has a poor spirit selection, they will be depressed and listless for the rest of your evening.

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